Answer me these questions...uh, four

A Sunday afternoon. The phone rings.

"Thank you for calling Pizza Place, can I help you?"
"What days do you have your buffet?"
"Mondays through Saturdays."
"So... do you have it today?"
"No, sir."
"You don't have it on Sundays?"
"No, sir."
"So... there's no buffet today?"

Gaa!

We had no server today, so Mini Boss closed the dining room. Which meant we suffered through this conversation eight times:

"Can we dine in?"
"No, the dining room is closed."
"So, we can't sit down and eat?"
"No, the dining room is closed."
"I mean... we can't just sit here and get drinks and eat?"
"No. The. Dining room. Is closed."
"So, can we sit in the dining room and eat our food?"

Gaa!

Wait, word problems? What is this, the SAT?

When dealing with the customers, you attempt to be polite and civil. No matter how stupid they become -- and as you've seen, and will see in the future, they can get pretty stupid -- you must remain nice and smiling. After all, the customers are your real boss; they pay your wage, if only indirectly.

But here's a sad fact: there are some questions that are impossible to answer without sounding like a smartass.

"I saw an ad in the newspaper, for your Bacon Cheddar Ham pizza?"
"Yes, sir."
"What comes on that?"
"On the Bacon Cheddar Ham?"
"Yeah."
"...Bacon...cheddar...and...ham?"

A woman called and asked about our buffet last night. The call came in at 7:41 p.m.

"What times does your buffet end?"
"8:00."
"Oh. So -- hmm. Can we still make it there?"
"...I'm sorry?"
"Well -- okay, listen. We live two minutes away. Can we make it there on time?"
"Um...if you're two minutes away... and you've got nineteen minutes..." I trailed off, because I couldn't think of a way to finish the sentence without sounding like a smartass. Unfortunately, she couldn't come with me on the leap of logic.
"Yeah, I guess we can't. Okay, thank you!" *hangs up*
"...?!"

And then there's this special guy, also from last night.

"I want to get your meat lover's pizza, but I only want beef."
"Only beef?"
"Yeah, I'm allergic to pork."
"So, no pepperoni, no sausage, no Italian sausage, no Canadian bacon, and no bacon."
"Right. A meat lover's with just beef. What do you call that?"
"...A pizza with beef."