Idiot wind

Idiot wind, blowin' every time you move your teeth
You're an idiot, babe
It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe
--Bob Dylan

The least intelligent person to ever walk the face of the earth is currently employed at Pizza Place. I hope this knowledge comforts you -- no matter how dumb you think the people around you are, there's always someone dumber you don't have to talk to. I do, though. Goddammit.

How dumb? "Sausage" and "Italian sausage." Are they the same thing? No. If I ask you that tomorrow, will you be able to remember the answer? Probably. If I ask you that in five minutes, will you be able to remember? Of course. Can she? No.

It was explained to her when she started working. Various people reminded her that first week. A few weeks later, she and Mini Boss engaged in a lively row based on her inability to retain this fact. And just today, she walked up to me and said, "Sausage and Italian sausage are the same thing, right?"

I could write dozens of posts about her ineptitude (and probably will), but I'll start with this tip of the iceberg -- a recent story that aptly demonstrates the serious gap between reality and her perception of it.

Last week, the day before Christmas Eve (Christmas Eve Eve?), the Dumb One walked up to Mini Boss, out of the blue, and said, "Monday Tuesday?"

Mini Boss looked at her askance. "What?"

She, impatiently: "Monday. Tuesday."

"Okay," he said. "Let's think about this. You just walked up to me, out of nowhere, and said, 'Monday Tuesday'. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Are we off on Monday and Tuesday?"

"What -- what -- how the hell was I supposed to get that out of 'Monday Tuesday'?"

"That's not what I said."

"Yes, it is."

"No, I didn't. I said 'Are we off and Monday and Tuesday?'"

"No, you didn't!"

"Yes, I did."

"No, you didn't! You just 'Monday Tuesday'! That's it!"

Scoff. "Whatever." And she walked away.

Mini Boss looked at me with confusion. And not a little terror.

Trust me: this isn't the last time you'll hear from her.